weird not being at home - being alone because you have to is more difficult than being alone because you want to. gives me too much time with my thoughts!
just when i think i am "ok" with something the thoughts return. in no organzied way, just random and stirring up constant fighting dialogue within myself - ugh! just stop already.
do i want to be with someone?
-no, cuz i dont want the drama
-yes, cuz i miss the closeness that comes with being with someone
-no, cuz its too hard to keep everyone happy
-yes, cuz i want to share things with someone
-no, cuz im not good enough to be with someone
-yes, cuz i want to feel loved by someone
it just goes on and on - then there is the ever present fight with food OMG!
always comparing myself with other people - too much fat all over me
im ugly, fat, single and just fucking tired of it - all of it.