Sunday, October 31, 2010

halloween 2010

weird not being at home - being alone because you have to is more difficult than being alone because you want to.  gives me too much time with my thoughts! 

just when i think i am "ok" with something the thoughts return.  in no organzied way, just random and stirring up constant fighting dialogue within myself - ugh!  just stop already.

do i want to be with someone?
-no, cuz i dont want the drama
-yes, cuz i miss the closeness that comes with being with someone
-no, cuz its too hard to keep everyone happy
-yes, cuz i want to share things with someone
-no, cuz im not good enough to be with someone
-yes, cuz i want to feel loved by someone

it just goes on and on - then there is the ever present fight with food OMG! 

always comparing myself with other people - too much fat all over me

im ugly, fat, single and just fucking tired of it - all of it.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

october 30

i had a pretty good day.  caught up on some sleep and did some shopping. 

everyone who has commented on my posts i want to say YOU ARE AWESOME!  thanks for the encouraging comments and support - means alot :) !!!

food log was so-so

brkfast - banana
snack - kashi bar, almonds
lunch - this is where i kinda screwed up...i stopped at this little tea room and had a wonderful cup of tea and a profiterole but when i looked them up online they are 64 calories each and i ate 3, but there was some type of chocolate mousse on it.
dinner - soft pretzel and few bites of fruit

im guessing about 800-900 calories.

plus i walked forever today then did elliptical, lunges and some weight training.

stay strong everyone :)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

october 27

shit! have to stay another week in ny, dont get to go home on the weekend either.  work work and work.  i miss my kitties and dogs.  i cant wait to see them.

on the other side of my life i havent been able to weigh and i dont think i have lost but with the exercising i think im toning cuz i can feel it in my clothes.

i need to go to a store and find some books to read - the hotel at night is boring!  i dont go down to the bar or anything - just stay in my room and watch tv, but the shows are never any good.  i work out alot - more than i do at home.

i am going to try and jog outside tomorrow...change of pace to the fitness room here at the hotel.

food wise was decent today:

brkfast - 1/2 bagel with tsp cream cheese
lunch - 1/2 veggie quesadilla, some chips with salsa. about 1/2 cup of black beans and some rice.
no dinner, but had a kashi trail mix bar and 100 calorie pack raw almonds. 

ugh - too much food now that i put it in writing.  MUST DO BETTER!!!!!

I WILL DO BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, October 25, 2010

october 25

i guess one of the greatest things about working on this project is all the stress causes me to workout super hard to relieve all that stress!  i busted ass on the elliptical then did some more time on a stationary bike - then went looking for a store to buy some souvenirs and probably walked another 2 miles.  didnt find a store tho..oh well.

i am in a nice hotel and it is supposed to be non-smoking but people apparently dont give a shit because i smell it and it pisses me off.  i think that is so rude. 

gonna watch two & a half men, mike & molly and sleep!  tomorrow starts early again

Saturday, October 23, 2010

october 23

wow! what a hectic 48 hours.  more than half i was awake working.  the worse of which is over thank goodness. 

but i cannot say i was successful in food intake yesterday..ugh! i dont want to think about it.  today is a new day and i WILL do better.  on the second shift so dont have much time to exercise - hope to squeeze in some before i have to start though.

i miss my kitties and dogs too.  they always sleep with me - or should i say sleep laying all over me. 

about a week to go and i'll be going home.  :)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

october 20

no i can't be getting a cold!  i have too much to do tomorrow - will likely be up for 24-36 hours...need to eat oranges and more oranges. 

had to go out to dinner with coworkers to celebrate a birthday - ate great.  got the lite clam chowder and only ate half - the full serving was only 76 calories.  then got seaweed salad, ate about half that and it was 98 calories for the full serving.  then took a bite of sauteed shrimp wonton, 1 boiled shrimp, bite of crab dip and a small roll.   don't know how many calories all that was but when i got back to my room i exercised for 50 minutes.  feel better after doing that.

trying to stay up as long as possible so i dont crash during my all nighter tomorrow night.  i totally hate staying up all night, never been my "cup of tea" you can say.  it takes 3-4 days just to get back to normal.  but oh well, you gotta do what you gotta do.  i really love the people i work with and who i work for - i am very,very thankful for that

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

october 19

just got into hotel room here in ny - busy time for the next 10 days or so...good distraction from food which is good.

when i travel i don't know what it is but i tend to eat less and when i do eat it is healthier - go figure!  anyway, here is my food for today:

breakfast:  raisin bran
snack: small handful peanuts
lunch: veggie burger, rice crispy bar
pm snack: trail mix kashi bar

not too bad i think...didnt get to exercise today but i will definitely tomorrow

@bonesarepure - thanks for asking about my sis...she did call her doctor and is making an appt for some meds. 
@almost.skinny - thanks to you too for showing concern for my sis - it means alot to me :)

Monday, October 18, 2010

october 18

breakfast - raisin bran
snack - apple and 100 calorie pack of natural almonds
late lunch - grilled chix wi black beans some cheese and salsa
probably will only nibble on stuff for dinner since i had the late lunch. 

bicycled 25 miles yesterday - felt awesome!
ran 4.5 miles today - felt awesomeR since i haven't been able to run for weeks...my knees are not behaving.

ever wonder if the person you think is strong, really isn't all that strong?  my sister is that person for me, but now i worry about her.  she went off into the woods AT NIGHT last week having taken pain pills, drank whiskey and had a loaded .45 caliber handgun.  plus she took a knife to her wrists.  nobody was home when she did this but because she couldn't be reached by phone everyone started to worry...good thing she was found before she did anything with that gun. 

just goes to show you even the people who appear to have everything, sometimes do not.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

october 17

putting this out for the world to see is a new experience.  not really caring if anyone reads, just trying something new and see if i can stick with it.

i hate the fact i have gained over 20lbs and everytime i see skinny girls it just reinforces that fact.  i took the peta pledge to go vegan for 30 days, yeah - that lasted about 2 days then i ate some chicken in a wrap.  but that is the only source of meat i have had.  managed to stay away from hamburger, which isnt too hard for me anyway every since i read an article about "pink slime" - totally grossed me to no end. 

i am going to stay strong and really focus on losing this extra weight...i have a friend that has lost 30 lbs..she did it real slow and it took about 2 years, but she did it.  what determniation..i need to be like that.

so here goes - starting stats:

5'2"
125lbs